Ace had walked alongside Chip in silence, debating in his mind if this was the time. He badly wanted to just finally tell someone about everything he'd been through, but that other part of him was telling him it was a bad idea, that Chip wasn't the right person to talk to. But thankfully for the blond, that side of him was being drowned out by the side that wanted to talk. It was time.
When Chip put an arm around him and told him to find a spot to sit down, he leaned closer to Chip and agreed. The Lanne's private beach was gorgeous, the sand soft and the water sparkling, the side of the beach curving up into a tall sand dune. Ace decided that would be a nice place to sit, with their backs pressed against the wall of hard packed sand, looking out into the crystal clear blue waters.
He sat down, his legs crossed. Where should he begin? Could he even begin? He really wanted to speak, but the words just weren't coming to him right now. Maybe he'd wait for Chip to say something, or maybe he'd just have to lay in Chip's arms for a while before he felt like talking. He looked up at Chip, wondering if he knew what he wanted to talk about.
Chip sat down with Ace, his back against the dune as well. He slipped his hand behind the boy and pulled the blond's upper body into his lap, wrapping his arms around him, and the blanket as well, so that they could just lay there together under the blanket. He pressed his head against Ace's head, ear to ear, and leaned down to kiss Ace on his neck.
"Nice and quiet," he murmured. He had by now realised that the boy wanted to talk about something important. And he had learned that Ace wasn't going to do it easily without prompting. He held the boy tightly against his chest, his heart now beating a steady rhythm, his full attention on the blond, his other hand caressing him by the arm.
For a while he was silent.
"You know, I've missed you," he said then quietly, his voice full of affection. He wasn't afraid to show the blond his caring anymore. They were alone. And the near-drowning experience had affected Chip as well. Life seemed suddenly very precious. Every moment... precious.
Ace leaned in comfortably against Chip, closing his eyes for a moment and just drawing on the safety he felt from Chip's arms. He kept telling himself that it was okay to finally open up, that nothing would him as long as he was here with Chip. He'd be fine.
When Chip mentioned that he'd missed him Ace tilted his head up to look into Chip's eyes, which he saw were full of affection, all for him. He smiled and kissed Chip on the neck, just under his jaw. "I missed you too. I didn't realize until today how much I missed you, though." He twisted his body around a little so his legs were folded up in front of him, making him a little more comfortable.
"Chip, do you know what I want to talk to you about?" He was having trouble bringing it up himself, hoping that Chip would be able to make some kind of comment that would make breaking the subject a little easier on him.
Chip felt again the nice gush of warmth inside him as Ace kissed him and told him he'd missed him too. When he changed his position a little and asked his question, though, Chip got more serious.
"I have an inkling," he said, looking at Ace in the eyes, as though searching. "You looked pretty scared when Vinnie glared at you like that. And I know... that someone's hurt you before."
Ace lowered his eyes when Chip made the comment, nodding his head. All he had to do was just say it. It was such a simple thing to say, really, there weren't that many words. Shrinking back a little into Chip's embrace, movements that were done purely out of instinct, Ace took a deep breath before talking. "I was molested when I was eleven." As soon as he said it he could feel those emotions come rushing at him, threatening to take over and reduce him to a panicking mess in Chip's arms. Six years ago and he was still panicking every time he thought about it. He was trying so hard not to break down that he hadn't even realized that he had actually finally told someone.
Chip had has his suspicions, but still, somehow, nothing he had thought had prepared him to hear those words. Especially now that the relationship between the two of them had deepened, his feelings over Ace had grown stronger than he had anticipated. In fact, his reaction to his words was stronger emotionally than he had ever suspected.
The thought that someone had touched this ray of sunlight - his ray of sunlight! - made him fill up with anger and rage from the tips of his toes to the crown of his head.
But he saw Ace was at the brink of falling apart. He knew it from experience as well - though no one had before had anything as horrible to tell him, he still knew about trauma. Its effects. He forced his rage into affection. He wrapped the blanket tighter around them and tightened his hold of Ace as well. He turned the boy around in his arms so he could hug him against his chest, his other hand on the blond's neck, the other behind his back.
For a few moments, he just held him there. Inside, he still felt the horrible consuming flame of anger. If he ever got the name out of Ace... that man would die.
"Oh, my little sunshine," he murmured into Ace's ear, kissing him on the neck, very gently.
Feeling Chip's hold on him tighten, Ace wrapped his arms around Chip's chest, pressing his face against the other's shoulder and crying. He'd been holding everything inside for years, so many years now and finally he was able to let it surface. Chip's hands were a comforting presence on him, calming him a lot. They were working like an anchor, keeping him here in the present so he didn't slip back into his past.
When Chip spoke to him and kissed him, it was like a beacon of light pushing aside all of the darkness of his memories. Still crying, he lifted his head up, looking into Chip's eyes. He brought his hands up from Chip's back, resting them at the base of his neck. He just stared into Chip's eyes for a moment before leaning his head forward, resting it against Chip's. He had wanted to say something, to elaborate or thank him, he wasn't sure which of the two, but he couldn't. All he could do right now was cry.
Chip closed his eyes as Ace rested his head against his own, letting his hand caress the boy's back. His felt like his heart might break, even if within there was also a sense of accomplishment, sense of happiness that the blond actually trusted him. No one had ever trusted him so much.
After a moment he pulled Ace's head gently a little back with the hand that still rested on the boy's neck, and smiled comfortingly. He reached out and kissed Ace on the forehead, then looked at him again.
"I hate to think someone has done that to you," he said. "I hate the very thought someone would hurt my little ray of sunlight." He smiled and brushed back a few locks of hair from Ace's face, very gently. "I wish I could change it all for you." He paused for a moment and looked at Ace, more seriously now, the anger and the rage for the offender forcing him to ask his next question: "Who was it?" His expression melted just a little when he realised he might be pushing him too much, and he added: "Can you tell me?"
He closed his eyes when Chip kissed him, surprised that he felt safe enough to do it. Whenever he'd brought up memories of his past before, no matter who was around he always kept his eyes open, as though constantly on the look out to make sure he wouldn't get hurt again. But now he felt like he could finally close his eyes and let someone else watch over him for once.
When Chip asked who it was, Ace knew he had to tell him. Now that he'd started, he couldn't stop the story. "It was my soccer coach." Immediately the man's face came back fresh as ever in his mind, sneering at him. But he wasn't going to let it cloud his mind this time. "Not my coach now, though," he didn't want Chip to jump to any conclusions on his own and accuse the wrong person, so he would have to be specific, "the one I have now, he's great. I don't know if I'd still be playing if he wasn't coaching." It was true, soccer had become a very sore spot for the blond in the past few years with the added pressure of getting older and playing tougher competition. But Coach Moore was always on his side no matter what problem came up; he was always supportive.
"I was away at a soccer camp for two months that year in the summer. I was actually younger than everyone else there, it was supposed to be kids between thirteen and fifteen, but I was too good to play with my own age group and they let me go with the older kids. I was a little too arrogant at the time and since I was better than everyone else and knew it, I didn't really have any friends there. And he knew that." Memories of how it had started were right there at the forefront, teasing him.
"My coach was the top guy around the camp, I guess. Everyone thought he was great, everyone wanted to be on his team. Since I was so young, they decided they would put me with him. Everyone not on my team was jealous, because that's how much everyone loved this guy. I thought he was great at first too, he was really nice and supportive, kind of the way my father had stopped acting three years before. I missed it, so I latched onto him the way he latched onto me. He knew I would respond to him, especially since I didn't have any friends there and I'd told him about my father." He sat back on his legs, calm enough now to be able to tell Chip everything without breaking down mid-way through.
"Everyday we would have practice and after practice was over, everyone would just hang out and watch tv or play video games, but I never wanted to and no one else really wanted me around anyway. I never really watched a lot of tv or anything as a kid so that didn't help my social standing either. I just wanted to practice and work out." He looked at Chip and half-smiled. "What a childhood, huh? Anyway, so he would always tell me that he would help me practice and he wanted to discuss game strategies with me, watch professional matches and stuff. I was so happy because I was involved with soccer related stuff all day. I lived the sport when I was little. But eventually it just turned into something else." His eyes trailed to the ground.
"I'm not really sure how it shifted so quickly. But one day it just turned from us practicing in the evening and discussing soccer to him touching me and telling me that there was no point in fighting him, because no one would be on my side. It was true. No one at the camp liked me, most of the other staff members didn't even like me." He looked at Chip, a frown on his face. "I really was an arrogant little kid, I thought I was better than everyone and that rules didn't apply to me-- a shining product of mom and dad's parenting skills. I really don't think anyone would have taken me seriously, because they loved him so much."
He paused, his fingers drifting around in the sand. "And because I know you're dying to know, he pretty much did anything you can imagine to me. When we started playing other teams in games, we had a deal. If I played perfectly and the team won, he wouldn't touch me that night. But if I screwed up at all..." He drifted for a moment again, remembering exactly how the conversation had gone to set that deal up. "If I ever took a shot on goal and missed, I'd owe him a blowjob. If we ever lost, then he'd rape me." He bit down softly on his lower lip, trying to control himself. He really wanted to finish explaining everything before he lost it. Now that he had started talking he did not want to stop until everything was out.
"So that's why I get so crazy over playing perfectly now. I berate myself if I ever miss a shot during a game now and if we ever lose I take it so badly, like it was my fault. Because with him it was always my fault. None of the guys understand why I react the way I do and why I push them all so hard during practice. They just think I'm a jerk who's obsessed with winning, really. They get pissed off with me anytime I appear upset because I didn't play perfectly but they just don't understand what I'm going through."
He looked up at Chip again, clasping his hands together in his lap. "Another thing about him that totally explains me is that he was overweight. I'd always been taught to remain in great shape during my childhood, but I'd never had anything against overweight people before. But now, every single person I see who's big? Reminds me of him, so I automatically hate them. I went from being obsessed with just being healthy and being in great shape to becoming obsessed with never gaining any weight at all. I'm afraid to ever put weight on, because it would just remind me of him. So I never really go out with the team to celebrate afterwards because usually they want to go for pizza, and well you know how greasy those can get. Just looking at one turns my stomach."
He was pretty much through with the important points, amazed that he had managed to get through it all so easily. He looked up at Chip again, feeling a little less weighed down now after getting all of it out. He still felt really upset over it all and had a feeling he'd be crying again soon, but at least now he could have someone there to cry to, someone to hold him, someone there to listen if he needed to ramble about his feelings. Feeling like he had talked enough for now, he climbed on Chip's lap, his legs on either side of the other male, his arms encircling him. He just wanted to bury himself in Chip, to feel safe and protected in his arms for a little while.
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Chip was quite still during the entire story, his arms resting on his knees after Ace left his lap for a while. He kept his eyes on the boy, listening quietly. He kept having to fight his anger, but it became easier when his heart was affected by the sadness of it all. When Ace got to the end and made a move to climb to his lap, he changed his position to welcome him, and wrapped his own arms around the boy again when the blond plastered himself to Chip. The young man made sure to hold him as tight as he could, without hurting, of course.
For a while Chip simply kept him there, letting Ace rest against him, closing his eyes and allowing everything that had been told to him to really sink in, take hold, become solid in his mind, to make sure he understood every little thing. It amazed him how well the boy had analysed it all in his head, how well he was aware of the reasons for his actions. It had been different with Flash. Much different. In so many ways. Chip didn't want to think back to Flash, even if the situation much reminded him of the times he had comforted the boy.
Now all his attention was on Ace. Needed to be here, and now. Flash was in the past.
"I'm so sorry," he murmured, smoothing the back of Ace's hair with one hand. He paused for a moment. He was going to ask Ace if he wanted Chip to go after the coach, ruin the man for what he had done... but he stopped himself in time. He was supposed to be an IT tech person. Digits and files and programs. No. As much as he might have wanted to, he couldn't ask that. He couldn't tell Ace about his connections. Too dangerous. It would have been to get the boy into even more trouble.
He chose to remain quiet for now, to make sure he gave the blond enough time in silence, in the safety of his arms.
After simply laying in Chip's arms for a while, Ace had to admit he was feeling better. He had told someone and they had just listened without trying to analyze it with him, or offer retribution. He didn't want retribution, he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him and move on. If he ever encountered that man again, or heard anything about him, it would only damage him instead of make things any better. Sitting up again, he looked at Chip. "So, now you know. I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you that night when I invited you home, and I'm sorry as well for giving you all of those mixed signals. In case you haven't noticed, I have a really bad habit of flirting a lot more heavily than I should."
He shrugged and looked around, his eyes finally drying a little. "It's funny, I somehow got myself this horrible reputation as a guy who only goes after girls for sex, when in reality I've only ever had three partners." He stopped a moment, frowning. "Well, four technically. But honestly? I've never been all that interested in it. I flirt a lot and make a lot of vague suggestions, but I usually tend to shy away from anything sexual. Those three are just an exception because I'm so close to them."
He looked back at Chip, laying a hand on his arm, tracing the outlines of the muscles with his fingers. "I just want you to know, Chip, that even though I'll probably be pulling away from you sometimes and I'll probably be freaking out if anything beyond a kiss ever happens, I am honestly interested in you. I want to be with you, in every way possible. I just need a lot of help getting past everything." It was true, he was attracted to Chip. He wanted to be with him, to belong to him and let him do whatever he wanted. Ace had always been in a position of control in every relationship he'd ever been a part of, now he was dying to just give in and let someone else make all the decisions for him. He trusted Chip to make good decisions, ones that would help him. He just hoped Chip had the patience to deal with him.
Chip had to admit that he was a little surprised at the amount of partners Ace had had. True enough, the flirt behaviour had fooled him as well. He smiled a bit when Ace explained being attracted but too messed up to be able to handle it.
"It's all right," he said and reached his face up to kiss him on the lips, just a little, enough to be affectionate but not too much to be too sexual. He knew that this was not the end of the bumpy road ahead of them, it was just an important milestone. And at that very moment, he was too affected by the sad story to feel like "it" anyway.
"I'm a patient guy. I can wait, and help as much as you need. I know you need time," he continued, then got serious. He paused for a moment and studied Ace's face a while, contemplating. "There's just one thing I'd like to know." He looked down, trying to figure out the best way to put it. "Believe me, I've had my share of flings and unofficial dating relationships, but I guess when one gets older, one starts to want to get some things clearer." He looked at Ace. "I don't mind if we keep this on a, shall we say, casual basis. I don't need to tie you down to feel we share something special. But I want to know where we stand. More importantly... is there a 'we'?"
He wasn't sure if it was a mistake to ask it now, but he wanted to know what exactly the boy thought of them. The distant memory of Moki calling Chip Ace's boyfriend came to him. He knew that right at that moment, he would not have wanted anything as much as he would have wanted that to be true... but he wasn't sure if it was.
Ace smiled a little as Chip spoke, so happy that he had responded the way he had. But when Chip asked him what exactly they were, Ace was silent for a moment. That was definitely what he wanted, wasn't it? To belong to someone exclusively for a little while? To have someone there only for him? He smiled a real smile this time and leaned forward, his hands gliding over Chip's cheeks, around his head and resting on his neck. Ace kissed him on the lips, a light and sweet kiss.
"I'm all yours, Chip. I think that's what I need right now, someone who will always be right there for me when I need them. I want someone that I can feel like I belong to, you know? Maybe that doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy feeling to have, but it would make me really happy right now. To feel like I belonged to you, to be yours and follow along with whatever you want. I've always been the aggressive one in every relationship and right now? I need someone to take care of me." The last line was especially hard for him to say-- he'd been forced to take care of himself since he was ten years old, with his parents away so often. He was always taking care of his friends, providing anything they needed. What he needed right now was a break.
Chip allowed his eyes close as Ace's hand wandered on his head, and he received the kiss with the utmost enjoyment.
But the boy's words made him blink his eyes open and stare at the blond in utter amazement. He hadn't expected to hear that. It was the last answer he could ever have expected, even if it was the very one he had hoped for. It took him several minutes to fully process the information.
Then a huge grin spread over his face, and he swooped his arms round the boy, and like a big cat after its prey, he felled Ace on his back on the sand, then rolled around on his own back, so that Ace lay on top of him, holding him from behind the back. He pressed his lips against the boy's lips, kissing him passionately. Chip had never been one to hide his emotions whenever it was safe to show them.
After the kiss Chip stared up into Ace's face, smiling. He moved a hand up to caress the boy's face and run his fingers through the creamy hair.
"I'll never let anything or anyone hurt you again," he said, affection clear in his voice. "I'll keep you safe."
There was no doubt, neither from the expression on his face nor the tone of his voice, that he was quite happy over Ace's decision.
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