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Post by Cres on Aug 10, 2005 13:35:52 GMT -5
Chip smiled just a little when Ace went to fetch the drink and turned to face him. Yes, he wasn't going to offer anything out to him. But at least he wasn't fighting and buckling like a wild colt. Yet. Though, somehow, he just didn't see Ace like the kind of guy who would lose it, anyway, not that way. Vinnie was the type to get at his face, if he prodded him.
"Then what are you running from?" he asked, pushing himself off the door and walking to Ace. He moved with the swiftness of a cat, coming to him before he could move away. He put his both hands on Ace's waist and pushed him against the door of the fridge with his lower body, staring at the boy intently. He was a player. He wasn't worried about his career at the school, or of anything else like that. He was tired of Ace's games. He wanted to learn what they were about. But he wasn't going to rush about it.
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Post by Kat on Aug 10, 2005 13:49:52 GMT -5
Ace was so surprised by Chip's sudden movements, not having expected him to push him around and get physical again. When he'd asked what he was running from Ace had felt like just telling him, just finally letting it break him. But he couldn't, it just wasn't right. Looking Chip in the eyes and biting his lip, he slowly shook his head as he noticed his eyes tearing up. "This isn't how it's supposed to go..."
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Post by Cres on Aug 10, 2005 14:08:43 GMT -5
Chip saw the tears and heard his words, but didn't at first quite understand what he meant. Tears worked on him every time, however. Instinctively he wrapped his other arm around Ace's neck, putting his fingers into his hair, and pulled his head against his chest, pulling him into a strong hug. He put his head against the younger boy's head, kissing it gently.
"Look, I don't want to hurt you," he said quietly into his ear. "I just want to know what the hell is going on. First you look like you like me, and you lead me on, and then when I follow, you push me away. I can see it isn't a game you like to play, or I'd be out the door already. I don't like it when people mess with me. But I wouldn't want to think you do that in purpose. You told me you didn't know why you do that." He pulled Ace's head back a little, looking at him in the eyes, concern and caring evident in his expression, his other hand caressing him gently from the neck. "I have to say I don't believe you. What has happened to you? Who hurt you?"
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Post by Kat on Aug 10, 2005 14:30:20 GMT -5
This time when Chip touched him, it didn't scare him, it only made him feel even worse. Chip was seeming to go in the right direction, to be prodding in the right way. But then, all of a sudden, there were those three words he'd been wanting to hear so badly. The three words he'd thought so often about hearing, almost dreaming sometimes how they would eventually come out. It just wasn't supposed to happen like this. Not this quickly. These things were supposed to take time to figure out, Chip was supposed to pry more and observe him, figure out for himself exactly what was going on in his head. It wasn't supposed to come out so quickly.
He tried to twist out of Chip's arms, to get away and clear his head. He badly wanted to just stay there though, admit defeat and spill everything. But for whatever reason he was fighting it, fighting Chip even though he'd been waiting and hoping for someone to pick up on the fact that he had serious problems. Here was his chance to hopefully get the attention he wanted from the exact type of person he wanted it from, but something just wasn't right.
"I can't, I'm sorry." Sorry because he'd drawn Chip into this mess; sorry because he'd been leading him on all day; sorry because his life was a mess and a total lie and he just kept on living it, kept on continuing down the emotionally destructive path he'd mapped out for himself six years ago.
No one else had ever known enough to feel sorry for him, to know that his life wasn't as great as everyone thought. All these years of missed emotions from others was what he'd always had to make up for by feeling sorry for himself. Now he finally had a chance to break it, and he just couldn't.
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Post by Cres on Aug 10, 2005 15:03:15 GMT -5
Chip was unsure as to how to read Ace at that moment. He was pushing him away again, and telling him with such clear signs that he wanted him to go away. But did he really?
Chip let go of Ace enough to let him step back a little, but he was still standing so that he couldn't get away from the refridgerator door. He felt a little lost. But Chip had seen these cases before. And he really liked Ace. He could see the pain he was in, and he wanted to fix it.
He took a deep breath, looking at Ace intensely.
"I like you, Ace," he said quietly. "I really do. I care. I don't know why. I probably shouldn't. But I don't want to leave it like this." His eyes flashed a little, his inner fire sparkling up. "Whoever hurt you, should pay for it."
He paused for a while. His protectiveness was awaken by the thought that someone had hurt Ace so bad that he was destroying himself now. He felt like he might have just went and killed whoever it was. He needed to think before he continued talking.
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Post by Kat on Aug 10, 2005 15:33:39 GMT -5
He found breathing a little easier when Chip stepped back, a little grateful for that. But he still couldn't bring himself to open up to Chip, at least not just yet. He looked up and met Chip's eyes, a pleading look behind his own.
"Could we maybe go sit down, or something? I don't really deal well with physical confrontation." He was starting to feel a little too vulnerable again, and this time the vulnerability was starting to hit him physically as well. If they remained standing he was worried his knees might give out on him, forcing him to cling to Chip for support.
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Post by Cres on Aug 10, 2005 15:46:02 GMT -5
Chip couldn't really come up with a reasonable reason to say no. So he nodded quietly and took the blond's hand, to take him to the living room couch. He sat Ace there, on the couch, and sat close by himself, but not too far. He still kept asking himself why he was doing this. They had only met that morning. Why was he seeing such trouble over the boy?
Where would it lead them? Would he end up destroying a possibly tenderly blooming relationship?
But he had begun to really like the boy. And somehow, his physical frustration was getting to him. He needed to at least try to sort this all out.
Suddenly, a drop of real deep sadness came over him. Sadness for Ace, yes. But some for himself, as well. Why did he keep doing this to himself? Why did he keep going over to the same traps over and over again? He closed his eyes, leaned his elbows to his knees and pressed his joined fingertips to his forehead. He had to take a moment. His own feelings were getting the better of him for the moment. His own mixed up head.
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Post by Kat on Aug 10, 2005 21:32:51 GMT -5
A really heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders when Chip led him to the couch, happy to not be pinned anymore. When they sat down though and Chip didn't press him right away, instead seeming to have a little moment of his own, Ace decided to use this as the bit of leverage he needed to cage his own insecurities. He quickly jumped headfirst into his usual role, placing a hand on Chip's arm.
"Chip, I know this whole day, really, must have taken its toll on you and I really am sorry. I obviously have my issues and I'm sorry I pulled you right into them. I really am. I don't want the night to end on this note, because I really do enjoy being with you. Most of today I honestly felt really happy with you, a different sort of happy than I usually feel with other people." While he had originally intended to simply change the course of the conversation to Chip, his mouth didn't seem to be following his brain's instructions. "I don't want things to be ruined by what happened just now, because I feel like you have the chance to be someone really important to me. Someone I need. And even though this is totally, entirely selfish of me, I don't want to give you up." He surprised himself by the honesty in his voice, hoping that Chip would hear it too.
This was the first time in his life that he was admitting to someone, face to face, that he needed them. He had always been the one side-stepping around his emotional friends declaring how important he was to them. Now he was on the other side of the fence, hoping that Chip wouldn't follow in his footsteps. To finally know how it felt to be honest with someone, to put your feelings out on a limb and hope they wouldn't get knocked off.
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Post by Cres on Aug 11, 2005 2:33:09 GMT -5
Chip listened quietly, his eyes closed, as Ace talked. He was so tired. So tired of himself. Ace's words touched something, however. He didn't know if the boy was honest. He sounded like it, but you never knew. Still, Chip didn't want to believe he would be lying.
He looked up and at Ace again. He wasn't sure of what he was doing. So he decided to let it go on instinct.
He turned and put his hand on Ace's chest, pushing him against the back support of the couch. He slid his other hand around the boy's neck, and slipped the other from his chest to his waist. He had noticed that physicality was what worked on the boy. And where Chip might not have been the master of words, he was a very physical person. He came closer, and leaned his head down on the boy's neck, to kiss him there, while holding him tightly by the neck, and by the waist, so he couldn't move away.
Chip didn't say anything, as he put his other leg over the boy, to chain him there again by practically sitting on the blond's knees. He raised his head from his neck and looked at him in the eyes.
"I'm done playing this game with you, Ace," he said with a low voice. "I'm not as short-tempered as Dan, or as explosive as Vinnie. But I won't take being played forever. I won't play hide-and-seek with you. You better understand that right now. I won't cuddle you into sweet forgetfulness, or pat you and say it's all right and leave it at that. I can see you've been hurt. And it hurts me. I care about you. I don't know why, Christ, we just met today. But I've known boys much like you. Hell, I can even relate. You keep pushing me away, because you don't want to talk. Well, to be honest with you, Ace, that's fine by me. I care, and I would want to help, and I'm here for you. But if you want to push me away, I can walk away. Just like that." He snapped his fingers at the word "that", pausing for a short while as he stared at him in the eyes. "It's your choice, Ace. In a relationship where I was actually getting laid, I might stay just for the heck of it. But if you want more, you will need to stop playing this game. Right now."
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Post by Kat on Aug 11, 2005 7:29:03 GMT -5
Ace tried his hardest to not start freaking out the moment Chip pushed him back, trying to remember how often throughout the day he'd felt comfortable in Chip's arms. He was concentrating so hard on not freaking out that he didn't hear everything Chip said. But he did hear enough to feel a little hopeless again. He looked up and met Chip's eyes, really looking into them.
"I do want to talk. It's just that for the past six years no one has ever wanted to talk to me, no one has ever even thought that maybe they should try and talk to me." The more he was talking now, the more he kept thinking about how helpless he'd felt about his situation lately. He looked away from Chip, unable to look him in the eyes at the moment. "I've been leaving so many signs for the past six years, so many obvious signs that something is wrong with me but no one ever pays any attention to them. Or if they do the second I say I don't want to talk about it they forget about it, no one has ever pushed me until now and I'm sorry but-" His emotions and thoughts hitting him full force now he felt his eyes well up with tears and this time he couldn't stop them. Looking back up to meet Chip's again, he bit his lip and just stared at him for a moment before speaking again. "I want to trust you, really badly, but even though I don't think you'd ever hurt me, you still really scare me because you could..."
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Post by Cres on Aug 11, 2005 8:00:29 GMT -5
Chip could well see the emotional stress Ace was under, but he wasn't about to back down simply because he felt sorry for the blond. He felt that wouldn't have been doing him any favour, in any case. And Ace was saying that himself, sort of. He felt hopeful when he saw the boy recognised his problem himself. They all didn't. And that made everything all the worse.
Six years. That number hit Chip very acutely. There was the date, at any rate. It had been six years ago, whatever it was that had happened to him. Chip attempted gentleness in his expression.
"...do whatever I wanted with you?" he suggested, ending Ace's sentence. He was now guessing what had happened to the boy - it was, after all, not as uncommon as most people wanted to think. "Touch you even if you didn't want me to?" He looked at Ace intently. "I'm not going to hurt you, Ace," he said quietly, feeling so bad about having to push him, when he saw the tears in his eyes. But he reminded himself that he only wanted to help. He put his other hand on Ace's cheek, to caress him gently, and then he pulled him in for a hug, his intention to soothe him, to show him he wasn't the enemy. "I just want to help you," he whispered.
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Post by Kat on Aug 11, 2005 8:55:58 GMT -5
Hearing everything coming from Chip calmed him down a little so that he at least stopped crying. There was just so much more to the story than just that, so many more ways it had impacted his life than Chip probably realized. But he just couldn't tell him everything right now.
"I know you wouldn't hurt me, at least in the back of my mind I know that. But it still doesn't erase the fact that you could hurt me if you wanted to. It's not just you, my own friends scare me. Guys I've known for ten years, I flinch every time they touch me because it reminds me of what happened. I can feel how strong you are Chip, you could overpower me so easily and I couldn't do a thing about it. Even if I could I probably wouldn't anyway, because I'd just be too afraid." He looked away, his hands clutching at his shirt, his nervousness very apparent. "I know it's stupid, but six years can't erase two months, or at least it hasn't yet."
He continued to look at the floor instead of Chip, frustrated that he couldn't tell him more. All he could do was give him small bits and pieces, hoping he'd have the patience to put it all together.
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Post by Cres on Aug 11, 2005 9:18:08 GMT -5
Chip listened, carefully making note of everything the blond said. He didn't want to mess this one up. For Ace's sake, if for nothing else. Two months, six years ago. That had to make him doubt his original suspicion, that it had been his father who had done it to him. It was the most usual thing, but probably not the case this time. He didn't know enough about Ace's life, of course, to pinpoint the event into the right place, but he counted backwards. It would have made Ace... 11? 12? He wasn't sure. But thereabouts, and too young, certainly. Chip was beginning to form an idea of what had probably happened. It had to be male - and someone who wasn't there anymore.
He caressed the blond's back gently as he held him against himself.
"Of course not," he said gently, to show Ace he understood. Understood all too well. Even a hundred years couldn't erase one single day, if the trauma was bad enough. "And it isn't stupid at all. It's only human." He paused, trying to think just how to put his words. He felt he had to be careful not to say something wrong. "Can you tell me who it was?"
In the back of his mind he was thinking that if he'd ever get the name, the guy would be in horrible trouble. He'd send his contacts after the guy. Vengeance burned in him, but not just because he happened to like Ace. It was his general hatred towards all men like that, who would use their weakers in such a despicable way.
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Post by Kat on Aug 11, 2005 9:41:08 GMT -5
His fear having passed over him, Ace let himself relax in Chip's arms, his head pressing into chest, as though he were trying to hide there. He'd just revealed so much that he couldn't deal with it all that well right now. He wanted to tell him more, he was scared of ruining the moment by staying quiet. But he just couldn't do it.
"I want to, but I can't. I've already told you so much, it's already brought back so many memories that I don't want. I'm just not ready to tell you anything else, not right now." He wrapped his arms around Chip, hugging him tightly. Chip was his anchor right now, the only thing keeping him from slipping back into those memories. As afraid as he was of being hurt again, he was more afraid of losing the only person who'd ever had a chance to figure it all out.
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Post by Cres on Aug 11, 2005 9:49:46 GMT -5
Chip pressed his cheek against Ace's head and held him, calm, tight, comforting. He closed his eyes, feeling... peaceful. Those moments in his life were rare, and he breathed it in gladly. He felt he shouldn't push Ace at that moment. He felt it was best to remain quiet, to just... be there.
"It's ok," he whispered into his hair. "We're not in a hurry."
He was feeling just a little uncomfortable there on his knees, however, and even if the importance and the peace of the moment felt good to him, he needed to change his position. Carefully, he turned, pulling Ace with him, until he could sit down on the couch normally, with the blond tightly in his arms, cuddling him comfortably in his lap.
He decided to give them a moment's silence.
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